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My husband is in a wedding party, and not only is he in a wedding party, but he’s the best man. Which means he’s responsible for speech writing as part of his Best Man duties. Now, my husband is not like me. He doesn’t take joy in writing, he finds it tiresome and nerve-wracking. The few times he had to sit down and type something up, it took him much longer than I expected. It’s like 15 minutes per sentence, I think. Maybe I’m being dramatic, because it’s been awhile since he’s written anything. However, when he does write things, they turn out well.


The Wedding Singer via gif-weenus.com

However, it’s minus a week to until the wedding, and he hasn’t written anything yet. I feel comfortable saying that, because 1, it’s a tv trope which always seems to work out, 2, I think his best man had an idea of what he was going to say and spoke off the cuff at our wedding, 3, I’m fairly certain the groom is too busy with wedding stuff to read this, and 4, if the groom does read this for some reason, he’s too chill to worry (and 5, the bride doesn’t read this). It makes me a little nervous though, so I may write up some ideas. I mean, there will be a moment where we all get to share our stories, and I have one for me. I actually wrote a speech late one night like the first month we found out our friends had gotten engaged. I don’t know where that speech is, but re-writing it should be pretty smooth. I’ll also just jot down a couple of memories that my husband has shared with me over the years about himself and the groom. He mentioned a couple of them when we were chatting a couple weeks ago, so it should be pretty easy to just put down a couple talking points.


What my speech will probably sound like (via fuckyeahfriends.tumblr.com)


Will Parker read from these notes? Probably not. But it’ll make me as a wife feel better.

I am not in the wedding, but that’s not shocking or unusual. The bride and I are friends, and she was really awesome about letting me and one of our other friends know she still loved us. There was a moment for a couple weeks where I panicked, because Til, the groom, invited us BOTH to the dress rehearsal, and I had to say, “Wait a second, I just have a title right? That’s what Jen said right? I’m not getting a dress and shoes and need to take the day off for photos right?” and he was like, “No, but we love you, and so you’re invited to come to dinner the night before. The only one who has to do shit is Parker.” And then I sighed THE BIGGEST sigh of relief. Because sometimes I think I understand something and then new information comes along, and I’m all, “Did I hear that right? HAVE I BEEN WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME?” and sometimes, I am.


Although I always initially hope that I’m in a bridal party, when it comes time for actual duties and activities, I’m not very good at those. I was sick for about 3 weeks and missed the bachelorette party, and I was really bummed about that. Fortunately, someone took pictures of everyone having a good time and the bachelorette cake penis.

The first time I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid was the worst and the hardest (so far). When one of my closest friends in college told me I was going to be one of her bridesmaids when she and her boyfriend eventually would get married, and then over the next few years we grew apart to an alarming degree (and to be fair, she and her boyfriend were together a considerable time before they got engaged, so that’s really on them). When she announced her engagement I figured she would stick to her word. That’s what people do when they make a promise, right? Instead of taking me aside personally and being like “You get that you didn’t make it, right?” she announced her bridesmaids on Myspace, and I’m not sure if that rates lower than your friends telling you they made the cut and you didn’t or not. But I was still invited to her wedding, and I watched one of my best friends who I introduced her to walk down the aisle instead of me in a color that I would’ve looked amazing in. But I did get to bring a date, and we did shred up the dance floor with my best friend and her boyfriend at the time who now just a giant tool of an ex-boyfriend. Also why I resent Myspace and am glad that it was left behind for Facebook. It was a lesson I learned from and one I tried not to repeat when my husband and I got engaged.

I also had a dream that the wedding party was at some historical site (maybe for the wedding? dreams are weird), and I tore off all my clothes and ran buck naked through the site yelling, “EVERYBODY’S STREAKING!” and then a guard ran me down so I escaped by jumping into a pool of toxic chemicals where my muscles started being destroyed by burning. But that is my dreamworld paying omage to my party persona Frank the Tank from Old School. And as I mentioned, dreams are weird.



Besides, streaking would mean less time to wear a bomb ass dress and look hot. Also it wouldn’t be very helpful.


And I want my dance moves to speak for themselves.


via reactiongifs.com