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My apologies for the formatting. I’ve been trying to fix it. I CAN’T.

Zooey DeSchanel via giphy.com

Zooey DeSchanel via giphy.com

Last night, I emailed my friend Ben who by this time next week will be a married man. However, I accidentally emailed my OTHER friend Ben first. Who is also engaged to someone named Mary. It’s been very confusing, since Parker only sort of knows both of these people. When I say “My friend Ben,” he’s always like “Ben who’s engaged to Mary?” and I’m like, “That’s two Bens.” And then he says, “Is this the Ben we karaoked with?” and I’m like “Yes.” So for those who are confused, this is Karaoke Ben. I can never, ever karaoke with my other friend Ben, because that will cause no end of confusion, and this clarification will take even longer than it already does.

Anyway, here’s my email to Ben:

Hi Ben,

The big day approaches! Parker and I are very excited to see you soon. I had planned on seeing if you wanted to get together before the big day for some karaoke. We should totally do that at some point. It’s not like marriage changes how awesome karaoke is. But I’ve been having some health problems, so I haven’t gotten the chance to ask you yet. Karaoke? Someday? Introverts unite at some point maybe to be social for a few hours and then go back to their caves for an extended period of time?
Top Gun via giphy via daninimofcb.tumblr.com

Top Gun via giphy via daninimofcb.tumblr.com

I think yes.
Until then, I’ve been having trouble finding the gift that will top all others at your wedding. I want something that says, Ben and Mary forever (this is clearly truer than ever since I have another friend named Ben who is also engaged to someone named Mary, hence the message I accidentally sent him instead of you at like 11:30 last night. It doesn’t make it any less special). Something to capture the essence of how momentous and unstoppable you two are.
I’ve narrowed it down to these.

1. MAGIC OPTION

Obviously, this is the best choice. I mean, it says both “Mary + Ben = magic” and I’m like 90% sure these fantastic creatures live forever. I fear, however, that that price will be either too much (not that you guys aren’t worth it, but I’m just guessing these beasts of beauty cost more than the boat Parker and I live on) or that I will have to trade something I don’t have and obtain it in an overly complicated manner. I mean, how many female, virgin friends do I have to send to meet the buyer in an open field? That comment is weirder if you haven’t looked at the picture yet, so please do. I’ll wait.

Which made me consider the next option.

2. Untoppable Exit

This option is more doable. I mean, imagine your exit from the reception! Epic, am I right? Maybe less so since you won’t be adroit at riding it. YET. However, my fear is that by the time I get around to deciding whether to get this prehistoric mare for you, she will be gone. I don’t like to be pessimistic, but I have to have a backup, backup plan. Probably.

Which brings me to
This one is a little less impressive initially, but I urge you to look closer. I mean, this says “I love music. I make most of my living room into a dojo of dancing.” Also, I know you guys have at least one cat. Which means that when you’re not blasting Styxx or The Police, the cat could climb to the sky as all cats are want to do. Perhaps it could be her “somewhere to hide, to keep me aliiiive.” Watching Mary tackle this bad boy when she boards the plane is a priceless image that would make the purchase of these WORTH IT. However, I don’t want to be inadvertently responsible for your neighbors killing either of you. That would be like the WORST gift.

4. Woodland Creatures Come in Peace

This one not only says “We are one wacky, hip couple,” but you will always look at it with fond memories of your wacky friend, The Weird Button, who passed it on to you. On the other hand, it kind of reminds me of one of the gifts from the movie, Gone Girl. And isn’t your sister named Amy? Which would be super bad juju starting out for the two of you.

Also it looks like you need a truck to remove it.
I know I shouldn’t ruin the surprise of the gift, but really, I just wanted to get you excited for all the possibilities. And there’s always the unseen possibilities like, money.
See you soon!
Your friend,
The Weird Button
Thanks to The Best of Craigslist. There’s a lot of solid gold here. Obviously, I didn’t write all of those entries. Feel free to lose yourself in the funnies.
Mean Girls via giphy via gotme-onmy-tiptoes.tumblr.com

Mean Girls via giphy via gotme-onmy-tiptoes.tumblr.com

Speaking of which, what is the best wedding gift you’ve ever received? What’s the worst? What about the best wedding gifts you’ve given other people? Tell me in the comments! I’d love to hear.

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