I’ve seen pictures on the internet about how a monthly cycle is supposed to go. And I disagree. So here’s my version with as little explanation and as many pictures from Reefer Madness as I can of Kristen Bell. Because I like her. Trying to gloss over the icky parts, so dudes will read this and laugh. Sure, they have the pain of a kick in the crotch, but that pain is ours for several days each month and then again during pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause. So ladies, feel free to relate, and dudes feel the joy of Schadenfreude while reading this. [I wish the chronology was correct, but it’s not, so deal.]
It’s the beginning of the month. And you. Feel. Awesome.
You’re just doing your own thing. Dancing, working, you are in the zone! Nothing can stop you! But you don’t have time for anything extra. No tongue, Jimmy Harper. Just some good ol’ fashioned romance and 4H club.
But then something changes. You get a twinge of a cramp. What is that? A period? I haven’t had one in awhile. Maybe it’s a baby. Oh, I do NOT need a baby right now! *cue anxiety*
False alarm. Discomfort subsides. And everything is soooo fine that you just break into song.
Everything is going to be OKAY!
But then you start to feel run down. Very tired. For no apparent reason. Maybe you even get sick. There’s sufficient pajama time going on.
You start to get suspicious again. But then you get some energy back. Nothing out of the ordinary is going on. You’re fine. Resume wearing normal clothes.
Then your body’s chemistry begins to change. You begin to feel funny. I know when this is happening, because I become more matronly towards babies and children. Oh body, I think you tricked me!
And then for about 2-3 days, you turn into this…
Menfolk are really excited, or very, very scared. Or both.
But the boost in hormone action ends up making you irritable, and after a few days of this, you go from zero to annoyed in less than a second. Okay, I can’t find any pictures of where Jimmy Harper punches Ralph and tries to fight him. So just assume that this picture is here.
But being mad is exhausting, and it makes your mind depressed. So…major sadness. One time during this phase, I saw a movie which normal people might shed some tears towards the end. But I cried every 10-15 minutes for the entirety of the film. Then I woke up in the middle of the night after a bad dream, and I cried again for about 20 minutes. No one can make it better. You just have to let it out. (I know this picture isn’t of Mary Lane, but I can’t find anywhere in the film where she cries.)
Suddenly, it’s gone. The sadness lifts. Unfortunately, your dark cloud has turned a different kind of dark cloud…that of pain. The blood. The feeling of dying. Hold me. Tell me a story of good times past. Of all the great times we’ll have…if…if I make it.
The odds are not looking good. Your lady parts have turned against you, and they are kicking your ass from the inside out. This is what the apocalypse feels like. You know war. You feel it deep in your loins. Ouch.
Finally, after days of battling with the devil…the storm lifts. You either got passed over like the doors marked with blood at the end of the plague, or you legit died and now you’re in heaven. Either way, you’re feeling good again. No more period. No more weird emotions. Not for at least another week.
So this is pretty much how it goes. Bye period! See you again next month accompanied by all the usual, unwanted guests.
(Pictures obtained from tumblr.com, moviemusereviews, fanpop.com, toutlecine.com, and Flixster. I did put what sources every individual photo came from originally, but then the pictures didn’t actually show up. So now they all get lumped at the end.)