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You know how in the past, there were a number of researchers that performed psychological experiments (i.e. emotional damage) on humans until the psychological association banned this? I’m beginning to feel that the unspoken agreement at work among my superiors is to enact this on their employees. If I had to estimate, it would definitely be in their top 5 priorities.

What I’m trying to say is there’s another fucking bio.

We’ve hired a new manager, and she passed out a bunch of pieces of paper at our last staff meeting. I really miss the past jobs where we never had staff meetings. I once worked at a job where we avoided making mistakes not because we were punished, but because my manager used to make really long speeches. On the bright side, these speeches did take away from work and usually ended up with us snickering into our hands.

I didn’t get a survey, because at the last meeting, my boss complained that none of the three people in my position (including myself) were working up until the meeting even though NOBODY ELSE WAS. So, I got in to the meeting when it actually started, and everyone had already finished eating (my meal had an allergy item on it, so even after the meeting, I was hangry and had almost no time to gobble down cheese sticks in my car).

Afterwards, the new manager gave me a survey to finish. But guess what? My particular department had, amazingly, a ton of things to do to catch up while we were missing work to be in a meeting about how to be better at our low-level jobs. So I folded it up and didn’t finish it. Because I was hangry, I didn’t have time, and the questions annoyed me.

Since there’s not many of them, I’ve included the majority so you know what I’m talking about. I’d like to note that they are probably well-intended, but asking a starving, exhausted, anxious person these questions and trying to get them to answer quickly and without sarcasm are not great ideas.

Were you born here? If not, where and what brought you here?

I want to craft a complicated, false story that’s as intricate and dramatic as possible, because this formulaic and boring answer, while informative, makes me narcoleptic. Why is this first? Shoddy writing.


I like this one, because it’s a one word reminder of how much time/money I’ve wittled away to do something I don’t really care about due to the economy and lack of executive decision. Ouch time.

How did you get into this field?

It’s difficult to convey in a gentle, honest way that I got here because I misguidedly thought it would be completely different than I discovered it to be.

How long have you been in this field and in what capacity?

Both too long in terms of how my feelings have mutated over time, and not long enough as a daily reminder that I don’t actually know anything about what I do and am constantly corrected by other people and confused about my actual duties.

What special interests do you have in this field?

Obtaining a paycheck and then using it towards my survival in an infinite cycle of debt and self-loathing. Also, filling out mindless drivel or constructing brown-nosing bullshit about myself in these increasingly surprising number of bios. I can’t wait to see how many more spring up in their place like some kind of paper army.

What are your plans/goals for the next year? ..and 5 years

This question is more psychologically joyous than the others, because it’s the biggest trap. It’s the “Choose Your Own Failed Adventure” of any of the questions. Every single answer I could put feels entirely wrong.

If I put that I don’t see myself anywhere else in the next 1-5 years, I’ll look like I’m trying to find another job (I’m not, because I lack the initiative, among other reasons, to do so). If I put that I want to climb the ladder (spoiler alert: the ladder is a one step stool), then I’ll possibly end up getting trained to take on more responsibility without a pay raise (one of my co-workers was offered something similar), or end up going back to school for something I don’t like to take on more responsibility and constantly have mental breakdowns like the rest of the staff (it’s pretty bad when you consider yourself crazy, and you’d still be in the lower middle ranking of said people at your job). If I put that I want to have a family, they’ll sense maternity leave and possibly quitting (which wouldn’t be the worst, but it will definitely lead to too many conversations about babies). If I say that I see myself here, they’ll see me as a lowly serf, which is probably the most accurate. If I put “burning this mother to the ground,” I’d definitely get fired and probably have the cops get called to at least escort me off the premises. On the other hand, that would make a pretty memorable last day…

What do you like to do when you’re not working?

I like to do as little as possible, but I mostly end up running errands or doing chores and wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life, then continue doing it.

Favorite movie?

I kind of want to put Dear Zachary or K19: The Widowmaker, but ultimately, any interesting response I could put will be taken in a completely unphased sort of way. I definitely need advice here.

Favorite food?

Wait, what? How does this…never mind.

What would you like to see at work that could make your job easier?

More pay, less work, more time off, fewer idiots.


My life officially gets more and more like Office Space every month.