As some of you know, I have had to decrease my medication over the last month. The good news: it’s almost over. The bad news: it’s not over yet. This post is not as happy-go-lucky as some posts, and you should just know that going into it. It’s going to get a little dark. Except for the part with unicorns.
This past week/weekend, despite being awesome, also consisted of me kind of breaking down. It was just like old times!! However, some of my favorite bloggers struggle with similar problems. Reading one of the blogs the other day, I yelled to Parker, “Good news! Apparently lots of bloggers are like me! They have these problems too! I don’t know why I just figured that out now!” It totally makes me sound like the celebrity gossip magazines where the captions state just that, but for me, bloggers are more applicable. Allie Brosh’s Adventures in Depression and The Sneaky Hate Spiral pretty much describe this.
I tried to write about it the other night, and the closest thing I could think to compare it to was this: when I first got my license in high school, I was a little nervous driving at night or in the rain. The worst was driving at night in the rain. It didn’t help that my car had the same resistance to wind as a cardboard box, and when I went above 50 on the freeway, it would shake violently as if I was in a simulation or a shaky, small airplane. Terrifying.
As a result, whenever I was caught in the rain at night when I first was conquering the freeway, I would drive FASTER. The fear I had didn’t make me pull over or slow down or call someone to get me. I’d just barrel through. This emotion didn’t make me do anything different, except try to get it over with more quickly. I overcame this with time (and a different car), but that’s how I feel about the anxiety and depression. It doesn’t add anything positive, it just takes away whatever enjoyable experience I may gain. Like sleep or thinking or just trying to be Zen.
Saturday was more of a social anxiety issue, while Friday was…well, I don’t know what the Friday before this was other than the day Rebecca Black sings about. Maybe that’s why I was mysteriously so upset all day. I was in such a funk, that I almost didn’t see my friend who was visiting from out of town. It was her last night here, but depression and anxiety overtook me, making me an extremely sour apple. Thankfully, Parker came home from work before taking off, and after trying to console me, he said, “You should go visit her. She’s rarely ever in town, and it will make you feel better.”
I went to see her, and it helped, but there was this nagging sadness in the background of my mind. Finally, I just told her that I’m decreasing my meds. She also takes anxiety medication, so she told me some stories about her going off cold turkey (do NOT do that! talk to your doctor, because it could be fatal…I’m not even joking here) and then having to go back to the doctor. Talking about it made me feel better.
She also got me this awesome birthday present!! It is a disposable camera that adds unicorns and unicorn related things to your pictures. I’m not sure what that unicorn is doing to that girl, but I’m pretty sure it’s the conga. Our love for unicorns is not like that. Maybe the unicorn is Buster from Arrested Development, and he’s giving her a shoulder massage with his hoof.
When I started driving home, it happened AGAIN loosely based on something my friend had told me, and I had no radio to fight it, since mine’s broken right now. Normally, I would listen to music and car dance my way out of the mood (me dancing in the car, not the car dancing on the road, to be clear).
I get really mad when this happens, so when the anxiety sprung up, my brain started harping on the world and how awful it was and how terrible people were and how I was secretly a bad person like some kind of scene from Mean Girls, except my brain was Regina George. This was completely nerves that I like to describe the way George Costanza speaks about Seinfeld–“it’s about nothing.”
My response to evil brain? “What the hell are you talking about? You’re not basing this on anything! This is not even related to you. You don’t have any facts to base this on. People are good! Life is good! You do have things to be sad about, but those aren’t these things. They’re not permanent! It’s fine.”
My brain didn’t take to this. It was essentially a text message where you never get a response back then later it becomes that stupid ex-boyfriend who hates you for a reason he probably should have gotten over years ago. Then I got home, ran upstairs, and I realized I didn’t have any snacks to eat. I would have to go to the store. However, I was so relieved to be away from the loneliness of the car that I didn’t dare go back out there. I think this is why they created car radios. To mask pointless sadness, or as Louis CK calls the reason we text people while we drive. Which I did NOT do, and I’m mad that he said this, because now I’m aware of the reason, and it makes me sadder. Damn you, knowledge!
That is the long reason I’ve been absent all week and why I may continue absences between posts, because I don’t want to sound like the cartoon Cathy. Because she annoys the shit out of everyone, and I don’t want to do that.
Hence, I realized that I can never be famous, because I would have to create a room that just serves as the place I hide from the world. Not that different from now, really.