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Me: Paaaarker! It’s asking for my “accomplishments.” I didn’t win awards over here. I don’t know what it wants. Is this just a fancy way of asking for my actions?

Parker: Just use adjectives that seem appropriate. Like “perfected” or “increased.”

Me: I’m having a hard time distinguishing responsibilities from accomplishments. Accomplishment: I got hired and did my job. The end. I give up!

Me: Ohhhh I could apply for this job! It’s a Quality Improvement Specialist. I want to work somewhere that “specialist” is in the title.

Parker: …Right.

Me: Technically, every job is a quality improvement specialist if you’re doing it right. Too bad, because I think I could talk my way into this job, but on paper I won’t cut it.

Parker: Maybe don’t apply for that one…

Me: CARE TEAM MANAGER!!

Parker: What is that?

Me: I don’t know, but I think it’s a care bear who goes around hugging people when they feel sad and managing their sadness. I could totally do that! (Reads) Ohhh, it’s about interacting with homeless people. Maybe hugging them? This wouldn’t work. Homeless people scare me. I bet you need a master’s in social work to do this…LPN…okay, not applying.

Me: Well…there goes several hours of my time.

Parker: Why?

Me: I was working on two different applications and thinking about everything I had to do tomorrow. When it asked for my signature, I put tomorrow’s date. I think I need to eat. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

Parker: Let’s make dinner.

Me: Okay…I just don’t know what they want.

Parker: I need to find a job I don’t want and write “YOLO” for every response.

Me: I just can’t take the application process serious. By the time I get an interview, I will say yes to almost anything.

(Later)

Me: I am PSYCHED for Halloween! I need to start thinking of a costume…you know, if we have jobs by then. Hey, I could go as a hooker. Not only would it be my costume, but if things aren’t going well, it could be my work uniform.

Parker: See, that’s why I married you. You’re creative AND resourceful.

I have to find a way to work creative and resourceful into my resume. I don’t think I’ll mention the hooker part.

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