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I give up. How do people do this? How do they move? How do they make the effort to do it more than once or twice in a lifetime? How do some people move every year?

In the words of Klosterman, “This shit is complicated.”

About…half our stuff is packed up. Okay, probably less than half…no, maybe half! Okay, I don’t know how much, but I’m going to pretend it’s at LEAST half! Right now, my primary reasons for not doing it–other than straight up not wanting to–is because A) we’re using the things in question, B) my stuff in the closet is under Parker’s stuff in the closet, and he’s busy doing other stuff, like working, etc., C) the stuff is too high up, and I have to get the stepping stool which is INSULTING, and D) I have no idea what I’m going to wear in our new place. AT ALL. I assume there will be parties and working and sleeping, but I have no idea how cold it will be or how these things are done. It’s like wedding planning all over again, but mostly just for the clothes. I didn’t even think I was super attached to most of the clothes I own. The last time I moved, I left 3 black trash bags of clothes behind, and it was unusually sad. I gave the clothes to a friend, and she wore them in pictures, but it was like seeing all your old friends hanging out together without you…which also started happening in our absence. On the bright side, it made visiting them a LOT easier.

Things I’ve Been Doing Instead of Packing

  • Staring at boxes and things that should go in them. I call this “pre-packing.” It leads to packing.
  • Tying up loose ends. This sounds like a mafia thing. It’s not. Remember that I don’t even want to get stuff down from high places. Now, I’m thinking about The Godfather, Mafia!, and The Godfather-esque scenes from a Modern Family episode. Mostly the last one, which is really bothering me.
  • Doing family birthday stuff, graduation stuff, celebrating leaving by not doing much of anything except trying to stay cool (it’s hot out). Making signs for these things, because that shit is important.
  • Making lists, but I do that anyway. Not like the one below this.
  • Sleeping.
  • Throwing things away. It’s easier than packing.
  • Working.
  • Talking on the phone to my mom who is very excited.
  • Watching K-19, the saddest fucking movie ever. More on this later.
  • Getting yelled at by a strung-out druggie at the laundromat. Believe me, if I knew I was going to be given a choice, I totally would’ve picked packing instead.
  • I finished reading my book, now I have to write a review. (See last item.)
  • Writing in my other blog so I can pretend I’m successful in my packing endeavors with you guys.

So much for the last one.

Parker tricked me into watching K-19: The Widowmaker which was even sadder than it sounded. Mostly because it’s based on real events about a Russian submarine mission that takes a turn for the worse, and there’s radiation and explosives. I wasn’t even aware of how bad radiation was until Peter Sarsgaard, Harrison Ford, and Liam Neeson showed me. It’s SO awful, even as a film based on reality. Here’s what I wrote in a message to Til about it. Til is pretty much the only person who writes me back, mainly because he’s a writer. Also because he’s my friend.

I’ll try to hide the spoilers for the movie…

“Dude, it was awful–both the accents and emotionally. Plus, I had a lot of tea and coffee so I was like crying and screaming at the TV, and Parker offered to turn the film off like 3 times. But we kept watching it. Halfway through, I was like, ‘COME ON! This is the Titanic of submarine movies. This is the WORST. I have to watch them die MORE??? WHY!?’

I don’t know when you watched it or how you remember it, but when [spoilers] pulls [spoilers], I was whooping and screaming and crying for relief and said something along the lines of “fucking FINALLY!” And then [Spoiler] said, “[Spoiler].” What a butt fucker. I was soooo pissed. I realize that they’re military men IN communist Russia during the Cold War, but I kept telling Parker, ‘Someone needs to DO SOMETHING. People are dying. This is NOT okay.’

Then I looked up National Geographic’s info regarding K-19. Miiiiistaaaake! There is a 3:3 ratio of nuclear submarine failures on behalf of the U.S. and Russia. I don’t get the point of blowing up the whole damn world. I just don’t get it. Have a penis contest already or something. Get laid, have a Snickers, I don’t know.

Then Parker assumed I’d recovered and read me about how Yellowstone is a massive dormant volcano that could blow at anytime and ALSO destroy mankind. Great bedtime story!

Then I couldn’t sleep, because again, I had a lot of caffeine and I was sad. So then I read about I Wear The Black Hat and it freaked me out, and then I couldn’t sleep because I was scared. So it was kind of a bad night.”

Then I wrote a review of K-19 where I tried not to biased, because it’s a good message that war IS hell, and sometimes you have to watch that hell for several hours to get it. Or maybe you just asked, “What IS radiation?” and then someone showed you a melting face (not a funny one, like in that Scrubs episode), and it was AWFUL. Or maybe you were me and didn’t hear your husband when he said the full title, because he mumbled the last part, and when you asked, he said, “It’s about submarines!” in an upbeat voice. We’ll see if I learn from this.