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Sam Elliott with mustache [photos.lucywho.com]

Sam Elliott with mustache [photos.lucywho.com]

Sam Elliott without ‘stache

Sam Elliott is going to play Ron Swanson’s rival on Parks and Rec for the season premiere. When Parker told me this, I said, “Are they having a ‘Stache Off!?” He wasn’t sure, but this link suggests that a ‘Stache Off may be in the cards. This sucks, because I like Ron, but it’s Sam fucking Elliott. I hate to betray a character, but we’ll see how it goes.

Parker: Peter Dinklage is going to be in the new X-Men movie.

Me: Really?

Parker: Yes.

Me: Is he going to be a tiny superhero?

Parker: No, he’s going to be a villain.

Me: Nooooooo.

Parker: Look.

Me: OMG, he has a ‘STACHE!

Parker: Well, it is the 70’s.

I love mustaches (that link is to a mustache contest). Although, I am specific in my love. I’m not a fan of the Hitler variety–to me, it looks like you want to emulate him or you just don’t know how to shave. Mustaches that are curved are interesting and cool, but not hot. Magnum P.I. mustaches and Burt Reynolds ones I do not fawn over. I find neither Tom Selleck nor Burt Reynolds hot (but then again, I’ve never seen Smokey and the Bandit, so that might change my mind). I do recognize that this facial hair is part of who they are, and that is cool.

You have to be a mustache-wearing man. First, you have to be able to grow one. Then, it has to make your face. You have to have the kind of face where having any kind of other facial hair even none is just wrong. Maybe it shapes a face where another less desirable feature may become obvious. Finally, it has to be maintained with pride and pruned properly. Along with the rest of your hair. You can’t neglect your hair just because you have a mustache. It’s a responsibility, people!

The perfect man with a mustache? Sam Elliott. Handlebar mustaches can be hot. Is Jason Lee hotter as Earl Hickey or as himself? Well, I love him as Brody in Mallrats, but now that he’s older? I went through Google pictures, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I prefer Lee with mussed up hair rather than less and the mustache is secondary (although now, he just looks weird to me without one). I don’t like older Jason Lee without facial hair, although young Jason Lee can get away with it. If Earl and Brody had a fight, well, I’d obviously root for Earl, but mainly because Brody is a first class jerk.

Then there’s this chase scene. It only briefly features a man with a mustache, but it’s just awesome in general.

Darkplace

Parker has even insisted I make him a mustache wallet for his birthday.

I’m also a fan of sideburns, but again, I’m specific. Hugh Jackman is cool, but Wolverine is hot. I cannot WAIT to see that movie. I’ve heard good things. Although this may have to do more with being a bad ass. I mean, Jackman also has sideburns as Jean-Val Jean, and that’s not hot. They’re puffy.

I’m not completely into the mustache culture. I feel like they’re taking things a little too far. Mustache parties? I see why you’d want to have one, but seriously, a mustache party is only valid if there’s a real one in the room. Everyone else is a poser.

I’m okay with the mystery about why mustaches are hot sometimes. Maybe it really is more about the man than the facial hair, but my rules above definitely play into it and still apply.

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