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This insect-baby hybrid actually exists. I’m sure it was made in the South.

Our apartment is officially filled with boxes. Yesterday, I had a panic attack, something I like to believe is a combination of pure fear of the present and an existential crisis regarding the future. Also, I had waaaaay too much coffee; that never helps.

The air conditioner in the front room isn’t broken exactly. It IS doing that thing where it spurts out water. Not sure what message the universe (or the window unit) is trying to convey that I’m supposed to take away from this. I can only assume that the air conditioner is reminding us that it’s worked for a long, hard time, and it’s extremely humid today. Also, it can’t wait to quit and this is its way of putting in its notice, although I’d prefer if it quit after we left the state.

Okay, our AC isn’t insane, but I think this is the real reason I fear air conditioners. Damn this movie! Why is it for children? And why for some unknown reason do I want to watch it??

Just checked the weather report, and it’s less humid than it feels. Parker also made the mistake of returning his piano books to their spot close to the sputtering-water-where-it’s-not-supposed-to-be. The history of the air conditioner/spitting goat has not been a one time occurrence. It’s happened several times, where at first I just moved his books, and he kept moving them back. By the way, this will totally happen when you get married. You’ll move something, and your partner will move it back! I told him before that this is the worst spot for them, because the air conditioner goes into phases where it thinks it’s a spritzer or small fountain.

“It’s not safe here,” I warned him in my most convincing, video game voice. (What video game is that from, anyway? All of them?)

So Parker relegated them to the closet. But the other day, we were going through things and putting them into boxes, and where did he move it back to?


Right under the air conditioner. So today, I had to turn the air conditioner off, and I’m waiting for things to dry. I also vacuumed it, and I don’t think you’re supposed to, nor should you, ever do that to an AC unit.

Things I Won’t Miss About the South 

  1. Air conditioners running almost all year.
  2. Constantly worrying that the air conditioning is breaking or is going to break. The rate I concern myself about this compared to heat breaking in the winter is 80:20.
  3. Nasty, horrible plagues that happen simultaneously and the lack of knowledge to know what bit me and whether or not it’s inside. The comedy Joe’s Apartment? Real bugs do not sing and dance and talk to you. They fuck your face in the night. Sorry for that graphic explanation, but that’s what happens.
  4. The inability to tell if I’m running a fever or if it’s just unbelievably hot.
  5. Not wanting to walk anywhere. I mean, I don’t enjoy walking places in the first place, but here, I always think, “I might literally die. What if my shoes start melting?” I’m sure part of this is my misunderstanding of where I live plus the reports that this actually happens in Arizona.
    It wouldn't keep you alive for long. I can't believe humans actually do this! [skinnyydarling.tumblr.com]

    It wouldn’t keep you alive for long. I can’t believe humans actually do this here! [skinnyydarling.tumblr.com]

  6. Being unable to tan. It’s too damn hot!
  7. Road rage. It’s worse here, even if the people are generally nicer.
  8. Boob and knee sweat.

    Ron Burgandy taught me to never drink a carton of milk, no matter how bad life gets.


  9. The fact that the streets flood when it rains. One time it flooded when I was at work. My car got stuck and almost died. Parker had to rescue me.
  10. It takes too many days to get out of this state.

Okay, the spitting goat is at it again. I may have to move my entourage of animals into the other room.