My conversation with Parker.
Me: You want to watch a movie?
Parker: Sorry, I really want to play this video game.
Me: What are you playing? That looks like Yellowstone Park.
Parker: Yes, that’s probably what it looks like when it snows.
Me: No, it DOES. Like, there’s the mountains, trees, and darkness. There’s the village with all the weird motels.
Parker: Right. Plus, the music is awesome.
Me: Oh that is cool. Oh no, there’s blood on…okay, that’s the screen, but it looks like a window. Why is there a window outside in the snow? That briefcase…it belongs to a doctor?
Parker: Yes, someone at the house is sick, and he was going to help.
Me: Just making sure. For all I know, the werewolf is carrying a briefcase that says doctor. They’re tricky like that. (Music changes.) Oh no, now it sounds like Cotton Eyed Joe! Anyway, what do you do in the game?
Parker: I don’t really know.
Me: …How do you not know?
Parker: I’ve never played it before. Okay, so I get to be one of these guys. Who should I be?
Me: The big dude! Is his name Joss (Hoss?), like from Bonanza?
Parker: I think it’s Jos (like Joss Whedon, but less cool).
Me: That’s stupid. I’m going to call him Hoss.
Parker: What shall his name be!? They’ll let me name him.
Me: Hoss, OBVIOUSLY. Ooo! No, his name should be Tank. The Red Tank. Because he’s a massive dude.
Parker: The Red Plaid Tank. Because, he’s a lumberjack.
Me: Can you put “a.k.a. Hoss” at the end?
Parker: Yeah. Okay, so he has special powers gifted to him by a witch.
Voiceover: When Joseph’s powers weaken, the ax will glow with fire…
Me: That old man sounds crusty. He’s so NOT Morgan Freeman. LAME. Why are they STILL calling him Joseph? THAT’S NOT HIS NAME ANYMORE. He’s Hoss.
Parker: They just do. I don’t have a way to change it.
I think there should be some sort of computerized voice that adds your name in there. Hilarious? I think so!
Me: Also, why would the ax glow with fire? Did he stick it in the fire to fight the werewolves? (The Voiceover explains how to set traps.) How do you KNOW which wolves are just wolves and which ones are werewolves? Do their eyes glow red or something?
Parker: They’re all possessed by the devil.
Parker: I know. This story is so good. Hmm, the sister is sick.
Me: So what’s that got to do with the fighting? You have to fight werewolves, and she gets better?
Parker: Yeah, I guess.
Me: Can’t Hoss just cure her with his witch enhanced powers? Why does he need to kill wolves?
(I give up.)
Parker: She’s levitating. Look.
Me: The sister? WHY!? Werewolves can’t make people levitate. Right? I’m not up on my werewolf lore. (Parker pointed out that I spelled it wrong the first time. It’s been corrected, but for clarity’s sake, I’m also not up on my werewolf “lure.”)
Parker: She’s a witch.
Me: *Sigh* If she’s a witch, can’t she just get RID of all the werewolves? Can’t she use her powers against them?
Parker: Well, she can’t, because she’s sick.
Me: Doesn’t she have witch friends to fight them off? That’s stupid.
(I start rambling about other stuff.)
Parker: Ahhh, this game is complicated. Okay, that was rough.
Me: What happened?
Parker: The sister died.
Me: Did you lose or did she just die?
Parker: She died, therefore, I lost.
Me: Right. I wasn’t sure if there was some bonus round where you avenge your sister’s death by fighting all the werewolves. To set her spirit at peace. That would be cool. Like how the Life computer game had this special option where “Revenge!” would pop up against your teammates if they were too far ahead. Man, I miss that game! I loved getting random revenge on my teammates. So how is it complicated?
Parker: Well, I have to set traps, in all these places.
Me: OOOO! That looks like the House Stark sigil. But you guys KILL wolves. You’re the opposite of House Stark. Except that one time.
Parker: Yeah, we just call ourselves House Stark. First, I set traps. THEN I have to go defend these spots. Then in the second wave, I have to go around and fight at all these other locations.
Me: How do you know the second wave is coming and where to go?
Parker: I just know.
Me: But how can you KNOW that? And that seems too intense. Can’t you make zombie copies of yourself and send them out to fight so you can cover more ground? You know, a zombie army vs. the werewolves?
Parker: Yeaaaah, you can’t do that.
Me: Can’t you put some spell on them?
Me: That doesn’t make sense. There are witches and werewolves, but the witches can’t do anything. And no zombies? That doesn’t seem fair. Man, I would be so AWESOME at making video games.
Parker: Oooo, there’s a fire wall!
Me: Do the werewolves die when they hit it or do they fly through it like the spider in Arachnophobia?
Parker: They turn around and go back.
Me: That’s less exciting. Well, have fun.
This is why I play Candy Crush. Anyway, now Parker is playing another round. As you can see, there are too many things about this story that don’t add up for me. How can witches NOT defend themselves against werewolves? No sense.
Also, “Cotton Eyed Joe” is still stuck in my head. For your safety and sanity, I won’t post it. Google/Youtube it at your own risk.