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[Copyright The Weird Button]

[Copyright The Weird Button]

I’ve gone to a lot of weddings over the past few years, but I went to a particularly memorable joint bachelor/bachelorette party. Like baby showers, I don’t get a lot of invites to bachelorette parties, and I had mutual acquaintances going, so I figured, “Why not?”

I went home after work and groaned and did the “I don’t want to get dressed up and move beyond the couch” zombie dance I do before a night out.

But Parker reminded me I was going on A BOAT, and I tried to get my ass in gear quickly.

DeeDee and Courtney were at Dee’s house. Courtney was getting her hair done. I started getting restless. “Shouldn’t we be there by now?” I asked.

“Relax,” DeeDee said. “It only takes half an hour to get there. Besides, we’re still waiting on Dan.”

Dan was super, SUPER late. He finally showed up. Then we all piled in the car. DeeDee’s GPS told us it was more like an hour and 15 minutes. Dan freaked out, because A) he didn’t know it was on a boat and B) he’s the only one who knows the bride well enough to be ridiculously embarrassed by this.

Dan called her to tell her we were running late, while the rest of us held our breathe. “She’s holding THE BOAT for us,” Dan said, pointedly. Then I felt REALLY bad.

“Hey, we were waiting on you,” Dee said.

“I wouldn’t have taken so long if I knew what time we were supposed to be there!”

After an hour and a half, and like 4 calls from Dan to Kasey, the bride, we finally arrived. Dan was pissed. More so, because in the car, Dee had asked us if we remembered to get cash.

“Why do we need cash?” Dan asked.

“Because it’s a cash bar,” Dee said.

Technically, I knew this, and I forgot to get cash. I also forgot to mention it to Dan, which would’ve been helpful. I THOUGHT we were in a hurry. I thought I was the late one. Otherwise, I would’ve stopped.

If there’s anything Dan hates MORE than being late, it’s being sober.

Turned out, Kasey, her fiance, her family, and her friends were also waiting on other late guests to arrive. We climbed on the boat. It was two decks, the main deck and the top deck. It had lights on the side. It made that massive boat horn sound. And I turned into this:

Sadly, this feeling didn’t last very long, especially since people kept making Titanic references. Dan sat in a chair, folded his arms, and pouted. Dee looked around for hot single guys. Courtney said something about never being on a boat before.

I started pretending I was Goldie Hawn’s character from Overboard. But it’s hard when you don’t have a massive hat (not pictured), fake nails, and servants (also not pictured).

Oh yeah, and booze!

I also don’t have this horrible coat. I should have reminded myself of that. [rottentomatoes.com]

Suddenly, I realized just being on a boat with a bunch of strangers and no alcohol was not awesome just because we were on a boat. But you can’t ask someone who held a boat for you to turn that boat around. You can’t say, “Hey, we left all the fun and alcohol on shore!” or “Please conjure a magical genie on a special day before your special day to get us free alcohol.” You also can’t click your heels together and think, “There’s no place like dry land.” Although, if I’d had alcohol in my system, I would’ve said one of those things (or all), and by said, I mean yelled.

Eventually, the chef downstairs made us food. “FINALLY!” I said. I’d had exactly half a drink–one I’d split with Courtney, at the graciousness of Dee. Courtney was feeling a little buzzed, but I was not. I needed something interesting to happen on this boat.

That is when Blaine happened. Blaine was Kasey’s friend. He looked exactly like Kurt’s boyfriend from Glee. Which is why I’m calling him Blaine.

Hi, Blaine. [fanpop]

Blaine must have had brought cash, because he decided that Dee, Courtney, Dan, and I were his new favorite people in the universe, and we all had to dance. Right. Now.

“We’re eating,” I told him. “Later!”

After we ate, improving my mood, we went back upstairs to the top of the boat. That’s when I wished I was about half as intoxicated as Blaine was.

Blaine danced with all the ladies. Then he started messing with the DJ by sneaking up behind him and scaring him. While we were amused, the DJ was NOT. However, this was not enough for Blaine. He gave Kasey’s sister a lapdance. Then he started freak dancing with everyone. I should take this opportunity to mention that the boat was made up of mostly single ladies. Blaine got lots of cat calls and the girls giggled. Everyone else had had a few drinks, so they were all pretty excited. Blaine added to their party fuel.

I went downstairs, where Kasey and her fiance stood by the bar. I said hello to them and gazed longingly at my friends up on the shelf, giving them a silent hello. They knew me. They would find being on a boat awesome. They would find Blaine’s antics hilarious. They would make me dance and not care if I was on land or sea. With them, I’d probably end up singing a song from The Little Mermaid and enjoy being my own party regardless of who else was there.

I chit chatted with the bride and groom to be. The groom to be offered to buy me a drink, and I politely declined. I should’ve taken him up on it, but I already felt like a complete stranger. If only you knew me, I wanted to tell them. I promise you, I’d be a lot more fun right now.

Me, after being on the boat for half an hour. Also, how Dan looked.

We all went back upstairs. Blaine gave more women lap dances, including Kasey. We all danced in a group for awhile, and I became a little happy. Things were starting to settle down.

But then Blaine decided he should freak dance with me. “MARRIED!” I yelled, really loudly.

“So? You can’t dance?” he asked.

I was perturbed. “No, I can’t.”

Because I dance like THIS. [newschoolers.com]

Because I dance like THIS. [newschoolers.com]

And this is a million of Blaine. [Buzzle.com]

I went and sat next to Dan, who’d stopped folding his arms. Blaine came over and gave me a lapdance. Then he gave Dan a lapdance. A lightbulb popped over my head, and I decided that my mission was to make Blaine leave me alone by turning his attention on Dan. I did this for several reasons.

First, even though I wasn’t having a great time, Dan was actively acting like this was the worst time ever. Secondly, Dan went from being annoyed at everything to pretty mad at Blaine, specifically. My bet was that if Dan got mad enough, he would start a fight with Blaine. Then they’d HAVE to take us off the boat, right? I didn’t necessarily want Blaine to get hurt, but I did REALLY want to leave. And he was being obnoxious. The last reason was that, at least if I had to be stuck on the boat, I wanted something to make me smile.

I admit, the plan was evil and self-centered, but I was bored and didn’t want to get anymore lap or freak dances tonight. I wanted to go home.

Dan did not fight Blaine. Blaine got told by the captain to simmer down, and then I went downstairs and stared out at the land, now coming into view.

“I don’t think Dan likes me very much,” Blaine mentioned.

“He’s having a hard night,” I said, which was not a lie.

Then we talked for a little bit, and I realized that under circumstances where I was not painfully sober or possibly in the company of strangers and Blaine was not painfully drunk, that we could be friends. As long as he didn’t dance with me like that ever again.

On the way back in the car, Dan and I were all smiles. Dee announced that she had had fun, and of course, Courtney had. Dee said that we should go somewhere this summer and go camping.

“I’d love to go camping!” exclaimed Courtney. “I’ve never been camping.”

Me at that moment. [tumblr]

Me at that moment. [tumblr]

“Hold the phone. I can accept that you’ve never done a shot,” I said. “I can accept that you’ve never been on a boat. But you’ve NEVER BEEN CAMPING? Did you just not have a childhood?”

“I got pregnant when I was a teenager,” Courtney said. She was younger than me and the mother of two.

“Yeah, and while I can accept that you’ve never done shots or been on a boat, you’ve never been camping.” I was fed up with Courtney. “I’m sorry, I just…I just feel sorry for you. Camping is essential! You were robbed. That’s what that was.”

Next to me, Dan was snickering. Dee suggested we all go clubbing. Courtney, of course, was game, and I’d like to say WHY. But I’m beginning to repeat myself. Dee poked her head into the rear view mirror.

“What about you guys? Clubbing?”

“No,” Dan said, dreamily, the happiest he’d been for the first time all night. “I’m going to go home, drink wine, and go to bed.”

“That sounds fantastic,” I grinned, starry-eyed myself.


“I have a bottle of red at home with my name on it,” Dan said.

“I LOVE RED TOO!” I cried.

We were all giggly and happy.

“All right,” Dee shrugged. “Suit yourselves. We’ll drop you off at the car.”

When I got home, Parker was lying in bed. “How was it?” he asked.

“It was…interesting,” I said, and I crawled into bed and didn’t even care about wine as I cuddled with Parker and regaled him with stories from The Sea.

Gilmore Girls pretty much sums it up. [Buzzfeed]

Gilmore Girls pretty much sums it up. [Buzzfeed]