Earlier this week, I found out that someone from my former life is going to be a parent. I’m not thrilled about the idea, but I wish them well. Obviously, no one was going to take my vote into account. If they did, I would be A) super grossed out, because I don’t like picturing people have sex (even if they’re really hot, because the made-for-tv-porn would probably be terrible anyway), and B) confused as to why they’d ask my two cents. It would make sense if I was their child or parent or best friend or spouse/partner, but I am none of those things.
It’s not surprising. I knew they were going to have kids eventually. If anything, I thought they would have kids SOONER. It doesn’t make it any less weird.
The thing about pregnancy is I’m always suspicious of people on social media, but no one ever comes up with any way to warn you. Or they just don’t want to. It’s never even happened in my family that I’m aware of. It’s just this gigantic spurt of words that comes out of someone’s mouth. The best, and only acceptable time, was when my 3 year old cousin kept telling random people at our church “we’re having a baby.” No, you’re 3. You will be getting a baby brother. You weren’t involved in the planning committee, and you won’t be doing the pushing. Or the feedings. Or the fighting over whose turn it is. Because I hear that happens.
I’m not saying that babies are terrible, but a ease into it, people! Don’t act like you’re on a reality show, because I always feel like I’m on Candid fucking Camera when I’m told in person. It’s probably why people rarely tell me in person.
I want to make a brochure, but the last time I did that I left it in the scanner and accidentally scanned over an important document. Then there were butts on it, and I had to re-scan it. (Relax, it was a postcard.)
Here are some ideas I came up with:
- Designated driver.
- I can eat whatever I want. Ask me why! (I picture this as a button. Saying it is just hokey, as opposed to a button.)
- I just realized that when Rebecca on Full House was pregnant with Jesse’s babies, she did a charades game.
- Refusing to help others lift things. (This actually is something I do all the time, but I’m a jerk, so don’t do that.)
- Knock, knock jokes. Maybe just for the kiddos. Ooo, or puns!
- A theme meal (watermelon, buns, baby back ribs, mini-cupcakes–get it, because cupcakes are small cakes), and pop-its for the kids. You know, because they look like sperm. 😀
Although, personally I would pick Brodie’s, “House rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.” That might be creepy to wear outside. Also, “NO TOUCHING!” from Arrrested Development.
There are also some shirts that I wouldn’t necessarily find funny unless someone was pregnant, like “Cleverly Disguised as an Adult,” and “Don’t Grow up, it’s a Trap!” Those could backfire. I do like “As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me,” but that could be because of a certain Doctor Who episode, where the Doctor sees a pregnant lady and says, “YOU ATE A PLANET!” That cracks me up…DEFINITELY because I’m not pregnant.
I like this one, because DUH. [Roadkill t-shirt link]
Oh, and the conceivement announcement where the woman is over the toilet, and the guy has a thumbs up sign. SO NOT COOL, BRO. Unless it’s this picture.
Okay, no more baby posts for awhile.