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To the guy at the customer service desk at Trader Joe’s,

I wanted to apologize. I didn’t actually know where that cross street was…even though I said I did. Also, I’ve been to that post office before, and that makes it even more embarrassing. Someone said, “It’s by the Freebirds!” I headed over there and when I arrived, I felt like an idiot.

I tried to call you to tell you that the customer was WRONG, because I would love to hear someone say that to me, but the line was busy. I’ll try you again soon.

When I tried back, I got a woman, and I think she thought I was insane or drunk. I was neither…okay, I’m the former, but I was not the latter. I really hope she found him. Otherwise, I’m going to have to identify him the next time I go in and thank him, and it’s been about a week. That’ll make it way weirder, because he’ll think I’ve been thinking about it for that long. When really, I just wanted to delete it from other forms of social media.

Thanks to pop culture influences, he now looks like this. More the former than the latter:


Cypher, from the Matrix


The Man in Black from Lost


I even tried to describe him as Cypher from the Matrix, but I didn’t remember his name which made me sound even crazier, like the squirrel from Over the Hedge when he looks rabid but isn’t. Also, I know you all think Whole Foods and New Seasons are the greatest…and if you think that you probably have waaaay more money and time than I do, but Trader Joe’s is right there, and it’s AWESOME. Except for that chick who didn’t know who Cypher was. She’s kind of on my “forget you” list. Also known as The Silence list.