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I couldn’t be normal if I tried, and I’ve tried pretty hard.

At first I thought I was your average kid, because let’s be honest, children are delusional. I don’t say this to be cruel, I say it to mean that they have an incredibly active imagination that swims in delusion (as an adult, I’m kind of jealous of this, but only kind of). Don’t pretend to be offended, you know your children are strange. If they’re not complete goobers, then they’re either child geniuses, which still doesn’t make them normal, or your kid is just boring. Which is frankly, much, much worse, although not if you want to sleep at night.

This acceptance happened in stages, and is still going on. That brings us to the present.

Me: I’m starting a blog. I’m calling it The Weird Button.

Husband: Why The Weird Button?

Me: Because I am The Weird Button.

What I thought of, which I couldn’t accurately express in any sort of brief, closing statement where my husband would’ve said, “That’s it. You’re it. You’re totally THE Weird Button,” was a thousand little stories from my early days until now.  Like wearing completely mismatched outfits for the longest time. Elton John glasses. Once in elementary school, this kid told me I spit on him when I was talking. Instead of apologizing, I leaned over the desk and said WAY too loudly, “I SPIT ON YOUR PANCAKE!” and my friend laughed so hard she had to put her head down on her desk because the teacher yelled at her. The time I made my friend wear a piano key necktie at my birthday, because he wasn’t dressed enough like the theme (I was in my second decade of life if that gives you any idea, and I’d brought my own articles of clothing for people who didn’t meet the standards).

What I also thought of was The Matrix. Not because I like the movie, but because how it always confuses me how Neo was offered a blue Mike ‘n’ Ike or a Hot Tamale. I have said over and over how it would be fun to take BOTH, because WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED? Some kind of candy free-for-all? In a land with no repercussions? No, wait, I’m pretty sure that’s Candyland. Not a very exciting game.

If I were Neo, I would’ve picked the Weird button. Not “real life” and not “the Matrix,” but something else. Something that involves no animatronic octupuses trying to kill me and my friends. Because that is just WAY too stressful. Life too often feels like JUST that, taking you out of the jaws of life that are your bed and destroying the rest of your day (this will come up again, but it’s been a frustrating couple of weeks). Of course, Neo didn’t know what he was getting into. Neither do I. Can you imagine how Morpheus would’ve responded? He’s cool. He would’ve lost his shit. His sun glasses don’t even go over his ears. That’s how cool he is.

Why am I still talking about the Matrix?

This has been a long time coming, and after the week I have had that I can only imagine involves a very full moon, Mercury in Retrograde kind of bizarro, I was ready for the good kind.

So, that’s it. This is my blog.

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